This is 5

Today is our son Benjamin's 5th birthday.

We should be planning for a 5th birthday party.

We should be preparing for kindergarten screening and a preschool graduation.

We should be discussing how to juggle two kids in schools that have 2 different schedules.

Instead, we are navigating the challenges that persist, regardless of how long ago a loss occurred. Regardless of the time that has passed, the loss of Benjamin continues to be something that we carry each and every day.

Parents who have experienced the loss of their child (or children) know that there will be hard days. We know that due dates, birthdays, anniversaries, and holiday times are going to be challenging. We spends days (and sometimes longer) trying to mentally prepare ourselves for the challenge of that day. Sometimes, the anticipation and the stress of trying to prepare ourselves ends up worse than the day itself. We do this year after year, knowing that time does not heal all wounds.

I often find that people who have never lost a child do not realize that when you lose a child, you also lose a future. From the moment you know you are pregnant, you start to plan your life with that child. You plan the milestones - the birthdays, special events, and their future. When your child dies, these different milestones and events disappear too.

Each year, I try to remember the positive impact that Benjamin's life and loss have had on me and the other people who knew him. I remind myself of the words of wisdom I have so often shared with other loss parents: Be kind and be gentle with yourself on your grief journey.

Sending love, strength, and support your way,

Ashley